And His Name is Ephraim...

Hard to believe it has been over a year since I last wrote.  Much has changed, but the grace of God has remained! 

Let's start with an update...

In August of 2017, we started hearing God's instruction to sell our house and move on to share Jesus with new neighbors in a new area of Tampa.  (We had been SO blessed with the opportunity to share Him for 2 years at our current house and we loved/LOVE those neighbors so much!)  Our house sold in September, right after we endured our first Florida hurricane (Irma) and took a trip to Minnesota for my sister's wedding.  Charles' scans that month showed stability to the side of the liver that had been treated with embolization in July but the other side was showing growth.  A plan was made to perform another embolization in January and enjoy the holiday season free of medical intervention.

In October 2017, just as we were preparing to move to our new neighborhood, we were surprised to find out that I was pregnant with our third child.  In all honesty, though I wholly believe in the blessing of children, I was heartbroken.  We had talked many times about wanting one or two more children should the Lord give them, but circumstances had changed for me after Charles' diagnosis.  I was consumed with anxiety over the unknown future.  Was this just another child I will have to raise on my own?  What about the potential for this same genetic mutation to wreak havoc in this child's life?  How was I going to handle home schooling and reaching neighbors all while having a newborn again? 

These fears led me to a very dark place.  I felt guilt for this sweet baby in my womb who deserved none of my negative feelings.  I struggled with depression, anger, and anxiety. These feelings impacted my relationships by further isolating me.  Charles was so happy but I was unable to share in his joy and he could not understand my hopelessness.  Friends and fellow church members reached out with their congratulations and excitement and I felt so guilty that I felt none of their happiness.   As my pregnancy progressed, hormones increased, and health issues arose, my despair only increased.  At the height of my misery, I never could have guessed the healing that would come from this season of despondency. 

I began to see a wonderful Christian counselor who listened, provided another perspective, pointed me to Jesus, prayed for me, and gave me guidance for employing techniques to manage/surrender my anxiety.  Truth be told, I really should have done this years ago (and I honestly think EVERY ONE should see a counselor at some point in their lives!)  The anxiety lessened as I learned practical ways to manage it. 

And then this little man was born...

This is Ephraim. 

His name has great meaning to us for a couple of reasons.  First of all, it comes from the story of Joseph in Genesis 41:52.  "The second son he named Ephraim and said, 'It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.'"  Pretty poignant for this season of our lives. 

Secondly, nine years ago when I was pregnant with KK, I had a dream in which we had a son and named him Ephraim. I expected KK would be that boy.  When he turned out to be a she, I thought maybe I had just imagined the dream but I kept it in the back of my mind and wondered about it yet again when I found out I was pregnant with Essi.  After I found out she was a girl as well, I felt I definitely must have misinterpreted or not really heard from God.  However, though I had never told Charles about this dream, at some point, he also mentioned to me that he thought we would have a boy and name him Ephraim.  Say what?  Maybe I had not imagined or misunderstood, but how was that going to occur in our current circumstances? 

When I found out I was pregnant this time, I knew this was Ephraim.  And sure enough, true to God's word, here he is.  Born of a dream and a promise.  A reminder that God has been making us and will make us fruitful in the land of our suffering. 

The fears are not gone.  The difficulty of homeschooling our two girls while caring for a newborn has not changed.  But, by the grace of God, I am different.  And I have loved this little dude since the second I saw his face.  Now, I cannot imagine our family without him. 

Why do I tell you all this?  To share with you a few of the things I am learning from the Lord from this season.

1.  Sometimes the greatest hardships can lead to the greatest blessings.  My pregnancy was a terrifically hard season, but the result of that pregnancy- Ephraim- has been one of our greatest blessings.

2.  If you are struggling, be honest and get help.  We all have our own areas of brokenness and most of us (*ahem ALL of us *ahem*) can use some assistance recognizing, processing, rethinking, and healing from them.  While God is our great physician and the healer of broken hearts, He often uses others to show us His love and wisdom in the mending process.  When I shared the depths of my struggle with my community (you know who you are-- THANK you is not enough!) and began to seek out help in retraining my thoughts, the darkness and isolation started to be infiltrated by light. 

3.  Whether we pass on "great genetics", hereditary breast cancer, SDH deficiency, or a tendency toward alcoholism, we all pass on terminality to our children.  Barring the return of Jesus during our lifetime, all of our bodies will die- some sooner and others later.  Us and our children.  The question is not whether terrible trials or death will impact our children.  They will with certainty.  The question is whether HOPE will.  Hope for this life- for purpose, for fruitfulness, for blessing, for abundant life.  And hope for the life to come on a renewed earth- a life without end, no longer marked by death or sickness or tears.  Today, I choose to live in the hope of the gospel for this life and the next.  And I hope you do too. 

The Day the Music Died

 

Nearly 50 years ago, this song was penned.  The meaning was left deliberately elusive, allowing the listener to interpret much of what he/she may.  When I remember July 12 one year ago, I am brought back to this song and what I have always heard as I have listened to it- a reflection on the death of an era and the death of the American dream.  July 12, 2016 was "the day the music died" for me.

One year ago today, my 27 year old husband walked into an ER worried that he may have appendicitis.  A mere few hours later, our lives were turned upside down by a metastatic cancer diagnosis.  Prior to that moment, we had both been healthy.  Our two children were healthy.  We had bought our first home.  We both had jobs.  I loved Jesus and wanted to serve and honor him, but to be honest, I also wanted some of the comfort and safety and prosperity and health of the American dream.  In one statement- "You have cancer", the luxurious life I inwardly longed would (and could!) accompany my life in Jesus disappeared and was replaced by something far less palatable.  Thus began a life of doctors appointments, uncertainty in making future plans, horrific Google searches, ugly crying, endless hours of pub med research, pill boxes and medicine cabinets stocked with oral chemo drugs and narcotics, surgeries and recoveries, and doubts, anger, and questions of the very God I had experienced and longed to serve and know more intimately for many years now.   My friends, it has been a hard, hard year. 

But, it is July 12, 2017, and my husband is still here and for the most part, feeling well.  While we have experienced all of the sufferings of the above paragraph, I have also known the blessing of friends and family and strangers who have loved us so generously, many days of normalcy in between all things cancer, the challenge and beauty of learning to live day-by-day, the loving confrontation and embrace of Jesus who has drawn me back to himself again and again, and at least 10 pages worth of single spaced entries in my "ways God has shown us His love and faithfulness" book. 

While the music of the American dream died last year on this day, the reality is that it was already dead long before I knew it had died.  In fact, it never even existed in this realm as anything more than a hopeful ideology that is doomed to disappoint.  I hate to tell you this, but even if you live comfortably in a Pinterest decorated, safe neighborhood and you have your health and prosperity, you will find the summit of the American dream to yield nothing at the top but a vast wasteland that will not satisfy your soul. 

Jesus and the American dream were never meant to co-exist.  Though I would never have chosen the brokenness and battering of this cancer path, I am grateful to the redemptive heart of God that has taken this evil and used it as an opportunity to destroy the idol that has accompanied me on my pilgrimage with Him.  In the wake of its exposure, today, I celebrate a dream that cannot die or be ripped away, even and maybe especially in the midst of the hardships of this life.  The dream of living and suffering well for Jesus and experiencing Him more closely as I do.  The dream of spending this life laying it down in exchange for the souls of the broken and lost and the life that never ends.  The dream of a new day where there will be no sickness or sadness or surgeries or fear. 

The music of the American dream may have died, but new music now plays.  And it will never stop. Praying you hear it too. 

A New Year (and the mercies of the old!)

I have been slacking in the blogging department for the last couple of months but God has not been slacking in his work.  We have been so richly blessed by the Lord in so many arenas!  I know many of you have been following Charles' videos on FB where he has been sharing several of these ways and I hope to share in this format as well for those who may have missed the videos or want further details.  Here is just a snippet of His goodness to us:
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*At Charles' initial diagnosis and for a few months afterward, I really struggled.  Peace was hard for me to find.  Choosing gratitude was a desperate attempt many days to see God's presence when I did not feel it and, at times, even doubted its existence.  I wrestled with despair and surrender and trust and faith and prayer and sovereignty and pretty much every aspect of God and my relationship with Him.  And then, all of a sudden, I met God anew.  I cannot even remember the exact moment that occurred but in the span of one day, I was reminded of Christ and His love and His call to die to myself and everything else I love.  The despair was/is gone and I see Jesus and His heart more clearly than I have in several years.   I cannot overexpress my gratitude for this!

*We received gift cards from some gals from our church family, freezer meals and a gift card from a sweet neighbor friend, and two crazy generous checks from the Lord himself through brothers and sisters. (just as Charles was praying for the Lord to provide financially so he could take the time off work to properly heal from the surgery)

*Friends and family have watched our children during our travels to Miami and the various hospitalizations Charles has endured.  We are so grateful!

*Charles had a partial gastrectomy (removal of 1/3 of his stomach) planned for 12/7 in Miami.  To give you the Reader's Digest version, the hospital insisted on $70,000 up front to do the surgery so it ended up being canceled the day before we were set to leave.  For a few days we were really confused and frustrated and then God literally worked a miracle.  In looking for alternative options, I talked with a gal in the business office at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa who told me I should apply for an assistance program which would take around 30 days and multiple supporting documents for approval, but would be an antidote to our problem.  2 days after submitting the online application, with no supporting documents yet submitted, we received a call that we had been approved for the program and the over $100,000.00 surgery and hospitalization would be covered in full.

*A connection with Dr. Malafa at Moffitt (head of GI surgery) through his son whom Charles plays soccer with.  Dr. Malafa got Charles in for the pre-op appointment quickly and scheduled surgery for two weeks later, which was supposed to be his day off!

*Charles had the surgery at Moffitt Cancer Center on December 27, our 7 year anniversary.  They were able to do the surgery robotically (which they were not willing to attempt in Miami) which has led to a faster healing time for his incisions, no infection, and a much quicker recovery time!  His nasogastric tube (tube that goes from his nose to his stomach to suction out fluids until his stomach has had time to heal) was removed yesterday and he has been drinking without any problem today.  It has been 7 days since he has eaten so he is very excited that food is likely in the works tomorrow.

*My dear sister in the Lord who endured many hours in the surgical waiting room with me on that day.

*While he has been at Moffitt--- The day of his surgery, I heard the Lord say on our way out of the house to grab one of the Public gift cards that was recently given to us by some of our lovely church family ladies.   He had spoken to me in the days prior that we were not just at Moffitt for Charles to have surgery but to be a blessing to those who had lost hope, were fearful, and/or just needed to know that the Lord sees them and knows them.  Throughout the day, I was praying for an opportunity to give this gift card to someone who fit that boat.  As the day was approaching its end, one of the families I had visited with sporadically during the day started talking about where they were going to eat and after discussing a slew of options, they settled on Publix.  I was able to give them the gift card and share with them how the Lord was leading me and how much He loved them.

We have also had the chance to love on the staff with cookies, prayer, gratitude, and kindness as well as listen and speak hope and joy to families and patients we meet in the hallways.  The Lord has been so good to us.  On top of all of this, today, Charles (as he was sharing in his video) was praying that the Lord would bring people into this large facility to pray and share the hope of Jesus.  Within an hour, while he was walking, two gentleman stopped him and asked him if they could pray for him.  They come to Moffitt the first Sunday of each month just to pray for patients and love them in Jesus' name.  God loves us and hears our prayers my friends!

*Friends that have come to visit and encourage and shower us with love while Charles has been in the hospital!
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I wish that I could sit down across a coffee table from all of you and share all the intricate details of how God has shown up in the last few months.  Some things require too many details for me to share them in this format without losing you in a sea of words.  Should you find yourself in the Tampa area, send me a text or email and I would be happy to take you to coffee and share more in depth!

On a different and yet related note, most of you probably know we just entered 2017.  My word for this year is surrender.  Let me start by giving a definition.

Surrender (def):  To cease resistance and submit to an authority; to give in or give oneself up; to relent; the act of giving up control or use of something to someone else; allowing yourself to be influenced or controlled by someone else.

I have had some blessed time lately to do one of my favorite things-- sit outside in beautiful nature and reflect on the Lord and His awesomeness.  During this time, surrender came up and I feel as though the Lord is teaching me about surrender with the picture of an onion.  You surrender one layer and another layer of things to surrender is found underneath.  

When I met Jesus and committed to following him 16 years ago,  I surrendered my life to Him in a general sense, knowing it would never be the same and that my life was now His (whatever that actually meant in specificity)  Over the years, some seasons have been marked by more willing surrender than others, but none has pointed to the need of surrender like the current one.  And despite the circumstances, I am grateful for that.  The Lord is asking me to surrender EVERYTHING including:

*my life (my health, my day-to-day schedule)

*my husband's life (his health, his days, my love for Him)

*my kid's lives (the length of their days, their education, their choices)

*my comfort (where we live, financial security, safety, stability)

*my community (family, friends, church)

*my plans (and back up plans!)/dreams (what I have wanted life to look like- mostly in the flesh!)

*my experiences and opinions and perspectives (they must bow to the Word.  The Word does not bow to me!)

*my intellect (so much pride ya'll!)

*my abilities (again, pride.  Ugh)

*my will.  (Third time is the charm)

Until you really stop to think about each one of these aspects in depth, it may not seem as daunting as it is, but I desperately want the Lord to help me surrender these things so that I might be an instrument wholly consecrated to Him and His work.   I know at times it will be painful but I am looking forward to learning to surrender more in 2017.  (and knowing that even when, not IF, I fail, Jesus has already paid for that failure on the cross!)

What are you praying for the Lord to do in your heart and life in 2017?  How is He calling you to surrender more fully?  How did you witness His greatness in 2016?