Reflections

I must confess- the older I get, the faster it seems that time flies. When I look back over my blog posts for the last year or two, I notice a common theme: A continual amazement at how quickly life passes by.

Over the last few weeks I have been meditating on a number of things. First of all, I have been struck by the fact that I am 28 years old and if I live to the average age of an American woman, my life on this earth is over 1/3 over. What am I doing with it? Am I pursuing Jesus and loving Him with each minute and breath? The honest answer is no.

The last couple of years have been trying for me in my faith. I struggle in my flesh with being a perfectionistic, task-oriented individual. Not everything about being an organized, list-making person is negative, but in my case, my desire to complete the to-do list often trumps my time of just being with Jesus and sitting at His feet. I like active. In my deceived reality, prayer and "being" just don't seem active enough. Maybe I revel in the feeling of accomplishment that I feel being able to check something off a list and the things of the Spirit don't offer that same selfish feeling of misled purpose. Whatever the reason, entering into a life as wife and mother has only added to the number of tasks and the length of my lists. I'd like to say that I have grown over the last two years and am now able to lay down my to-do list, at least on occasion, and be with the Lord, but the truth is, I haven't. My tasks remain an idol. I choose my tasks first and wait expectantly for time to come where I can just rest and be with Jesus. Not surprisingly, that time doesn't come.

At the beginning of 2011, as I prayed about what the year held, I heard the Lord speak one thing over me. "Be faithful in the small things." I'd like to say that I've taken that to heart this year and learned to be faithful in the small things that He might entrust me with more. However, I think 2012 may need to see the same lesson repeated. I long to learn to do dishes and change diapers with a heart that is glorifying the Lord. For me, that would be a step in the right direction in terms of being faithful in the small things. I'd love to see the Lord bring about a change of heart in me that allows me, by His grace and Holy Spirit, to lay down my rights and be like Christ who came "not to be served but to serve."

Charles and I recently welcomed a second child into our family. While she is beautiful and we are so blessed, we are also very sleep deprived. I'm reminded yet again how selfish I am, how much I idolize something as ridiculous as sleep, and how comfortable my life typically is. I have been led back to 2 Corinthians a number of times over the past couple of weeks, hearing Paul talk of commending himself to "hard work and sleepless nights." Just because the Lord does not currently have me serving as an overseas missionary in a persecuted country as Paul was does not mean that loving the children the Lord has blessed us with and meeting their needs does not qualify as a ministry in which we can also commend ourselves to hard work and sleepless nights. If the Lord would just open my eyes to see that all things have purpose when lived with a heart to glorify Christ.

One thing is for sure- I need a lot of prayer.

During this season of advent, I pray that all of us (myself most CERTAINLY included) would see Christ anew; that our hearts would beat to KNOW Him, to truly walk with Him, to be CONSUMED by Him. May our idols be destroyed so that He is TRULY Lord of our lives- our WHOLE lives, not just an addendum to our already full/busy lives. May the Christ child- not his gifts, the purpose He offers, His fellowship, etc- be everything to us. And out of that fellowship with Him, may everything we do- every diaper we change, every dish we wash, every paper we fill out in our work place- be done to the glory of Christ Jesus.