The Task of Testifying

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. [Acts 20:24]

I've thought a lot over the last few weeks about testimony and why it is important. There are many things I've had the privilege of testifying to over the years I have walked with Christ. Experiences in other countries. God's salvation of a sinner like me. God's miraculous deeds. And yet, 10 years after becoming a follower of Christ, there is something about the word 'testimony' that still strikes a chord of fear in my heart. Why fear? Because a true testimony of the goodness of God almost always forces me to reveal my own sinful depravity. When I think of David in his psalm of confession (Psalm 51) stating that if God will only create in him a pure heart and refuse to cast him away from the Lord's presence or take His Holy Spirit from him despite the grievousness of his sin, he will teach transgressors the ways of God and sinners will be led back to their Lord. (vs. 10-13) In order for David to follow through with this vow unto the Lord, he would need to teach transgressors through the ugliness of his transgression and the beauty of His God's redemption.

Herein lies the reason that I write this blog entry. I have mulled over the necessity of posting this for several weeks now and come up with every form of possible justification for my refusal. But, every time, I am led back to the God who has rescued me from the pit and has brought me from darkness into his marvelous light. My life is about Him. Not my reputation. Not the opinion of man. Not even my own self-condemnation. He has given me, and is giving me, a testimony of His redemption. It is only right that I share it with His people in the hope and with prayer that it will teach transgressors His ways and lead sinners back to His arms.


Without further ado, there are a couple of other major life changes that have occurred in the last six months of my life that I have yet to mention.

1. I am pregnant with a baby girl who is due to be born on July 28, 2010. While a pregnancy usually brings great excitement, mine was not begun with that sentiment. Let me start at the beginning...

The move to Fargo was a wonderful one. As I have mentioned, I love my job and life here has been blessed. Being close to Charles was an additional blessing that allowed us to continue to get to know each other and seek the Lord together before he brought us together as one flesh. (by this time, I was certain that the Lord had it in mind for us to marry)


While we did spend great times in the Word together and grow in our understanding of God, a downfall of being this close was the physical temptation that entered into our relationship, especially now that we were not in Bemidji surrounded by friends and family who we could be around and who would hold us accountable. We struggled tremendously with boundaries, even more so after we were engaged in early October. We talked with our pastor in November and prayerfully made the decision to schedule our wedding for December rather than waiting until the next August (which we had originally intended to do so that his mom could make it here from Togo, but as it turned out, she wouldn't be able to make it by August either). Though we believed this was a God-directed decision given to us in His mercy (certainly not a decision that every couple should make to avoid sexual temptation), we still ended up in sexual sin prior to our marriage. We were both devastated, not just because it was against our beliefs and our desire to wait until marriage, but because we love the Lord and want to please Him. We came to the Lord in tears and with repentant hearts. We wanted to live in purity. I would like to say that everything changed immediately, but the truth is that it took time and the strengthening of God. In the end, the Lord did refuse to despise our broken and contrite spirits as He promised. He restored us in our relationship with Him and worked to purify what we had contaminated in our relationship with each other. In His sovereign wisdom, He also allowed me to become pregnant.


When I found out, I was devastated. Not because a child was growing inside of me, but because of the circumstances with which this miracle had occurred. Life is God's gift that I could never despise. But I did despise myself and the ugliness of my flesh. I wished a thousand times over that I could do everything all over again, be more militant against temptation, wake up from this reality that I had created by my own inability to overcome temptation. Charle's had the same regrets, but he has a better understanding of grace than I do. I have a tendency to ruminate in self-condemnation for eons before I will finally succomb to the healing balm of Christ's grace. I believe that somehow I can make it up to Him, earn His good graces once again. How foolish I am. And yet I claim to believe that the Bible is true in its entirety, including its promises and its declarations regarding who I actually am apart from Christ- A wretch whose good deeds are nothing more than filthy rags before a holy God. There's no earning with Him unless I consider my own earning of hell with my daily disobedience and the sin of Adam that continues to find life in my own flesh.


For the first few days after finding out I was pregnant, I sat in tearful, hopeless condemnation. I contemplated jumping off bridges. I thought of what my friends and family would say, how I have disappointed people like my youth group girls. I thought about how my pedestal built on man's approval was about to crumble. And then I thought of the horrible, horrible irony: In two weeks, I was set to speak at a Women's Christmas Tea in Bemidji in front of 200 women about the topic of fear. I thought back to my initial thoughts when I had been asked to speak at this tea and one thing reverberated in my mind: "Erin, you're going to get a life lesson on this one first." If I thought I had wanted to jump off a bridge before, this sentiment overwhelmed me one hundredfold. I knew immediately that I was being asked to admit my sin before 200 women- some of my dearest friends and others sisters who were yet strangers to me. After talking to the leaders of this tea regarding my conviction, they were in agreement. God was giving me a beautiful chance to confess my sin and my fear before His church. I must honestly say that when that day came, I have never wanted more to run and hide. But God, in His tremendous grace, strengthened me for the task He had called me to and the tea ended up being beautiful redemption and a step toward healing.

In the months after the tea, I struggled greatly with shame and facing the judgment of man. I struggled with my tendency to earn my way back to God. I was so grateful for many of the words that God had spoken through women at the tea- "It's time to stand firm in His forgiveness now."; "God will bring something beautiful out of your ashes." At times, I clung to these as I was bombarded with the lie that God could never use me again; that I had fallen too far for Him to reach me. In these moments, I came to see more than ever before the treasure that God's Word and His promises are. That I can stand on the fact that if I make my bed in the depths, He is there. (Psalm 139:8) There is no place we can fall to that is beyond the reach of His redemption.


Fast forward to the present... It has taken months to get to the point where I can share this. I have hidden behind vagueness and isolated myself from many dear friends. But, I'm tired of living in shame and focusing on myself. God has been bringing, and will continue to bring, redemption and beauty to my ashes; not because I deserve it, but because He is a beautiful, redemptive God that takes horrific sinners like you and me and justifies us by the blood of His perfect Son. Charles and I are praying that even in the womb, this child will be given a heart that loves the King of Kings; that she will love Him with all her heart, soul, mind and strength; that she will live to please the heart of the only One who is worthy of her life. We are believing God that she would never feel that she was unplanned or a product of sin, but as a well-thought out plan of a Sovereign God who beckons her to see herself as a sinner in need of grace and that she would be so enraptured by that grace that she would deny herself and pick up her cross to follow Jesus Christ.

Please pray for us as we prepare to be parents. We are grateful for this calling, but scared as we recognize the responsibility. We need much wisdom and guidance from our God. How does one teach a child about a God who describes Himself as "I AM who I am?" (Exodus 3:14) He and His grace are beyond my understanding and He will be beyond this child's too. But Lord Jesus, please give her an undying passion that begins with your grace and ends with her devotion sustained by that same grace.

2. A second big thing is that Charles and I have found a church home in Fargo at the Community Baptist Church. This was a very difficult process for me, as I have struggled considerably with the shame I have felt when answering questions regarding when Charles and I got married and when the baby is due and a host of fears regarding what people might be thinking. I know people can easily do the math and discern that I was pregnant before we got married. I have desperately wanted to cling to my reputation as the good Christian missionary girl. For the first time in my life, I have been led to wonder if people in the church think badly of me. I have wondered if people think that the only reason Charles and I got married is because of the baby. I have wondered if people doubt my salvation. And this is only the beginning of the list. But, I've always told God that if I could learn one thing in life it would be to learn to die. And slowly but surely, He's teaching me to die- to myself, my reputation, my own "strength", my agenda, and all that I love apart from Christ and His Word.

This is my testimony today. If you are shocked or disappointed, I bear much of the blame for that as I pridefully portrayed myself as more than I am- a weak sinner unable to resist or live up to anything without the grace and strength of her God. May God have mercy upon me for every time I have glorified myself rather than the God I have claimed to worship. It is my prayer today that the Lord would illuminate any area in your life where you are clinging to pride and that, in His mercy, He would crumble everything you find worth in apart from Him. No matter where you are today, may you know that if you are His, you are saved and sustained by grace. And may you know without a doubt, that there is no place beyond His redemption if only you will repent and run back into His arms. He will bring undeserved, unmerited beauty from ashes- in my life and yours.

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are. (Mother Teresa)