“It is one thing to read the Scriptures and affirm their truth. But until you are in the trenches of trial, until you are faced with life circumstances that test your faith, until you are pressed to the absolute limit of your physical and emotional capacity, until you face the unrelenting stress of ongoing trauma, you never really know how you'll respond to what you may have embraced so easily during a comfortable Bible study.” ― Kevin Malarkey
Sweet friends, life has so many unexpected moments and seasons. Some of these seasons are filled with things I have wished for and others, things I have feared. No one knows what his/her story on this earth will look like, what challenges or unexpected blessings will come around the next bend. For someone like me who likes a concrete plan and wrestles with fear/trusting God (even though He has proven Himself time and time again!), uncertainty about the future tends to breed anxiety and fear. On my own, I gravitate to worst case scenarios and embrace despair very easily. Lord, have mercy on this broken child of yours. There is life and hope and peace for the child of God regardless of circumstances. Open my eyes to see it. Deliver me from fear.
Last week, two days before my husband's 28th birthday, he was diagnosed with Stage IV gastrointestinal stromal tumor, a rare form of sarcoma. In an instant, my usual concerns of house cleaning, finances, home schooling, activities, etc., faded into the background. Fear and anxiety overwhelmed me and my experience as a hospice nurse did not help to alleviate the fears that were taking over my heart and mind. I immediately began researching and studying and asking questions. Meanwhile, my husband was filled with joy and unexplainable peace. On that day and every day since, he has been filled with hope. He tells me he is excited for this season because the Lord is sustaining him and he believes this is such a unique season to share the gospel and the goodness of Jesus.
In the midst of his unexplainable joy and peace and hope, I have cried countless tears, been filled with doubts, and wanted to just sit in the middle of this battle and cry that it has to occur at all. I have wanted to be so much more filled with faith and yet I find myself as the man with the demon possessed son, crying out to Jesus, "I believe. Help my unbelief." My "rationalism" has been exposed for what it really is- unbelief. I have sat in numerous Bible studies and affirmed the supernatural work of the Lord parting the Red Sea, destroying Jericho's wall, and coming in the form of Jesus to be born of a virgin, cast out demons, heal the sick, and resurrect the dead, and yet I have found myself so quick to reject the supremacy of His being and cast my lot in favor of facts, statistics, and opinions of man. Lord, have mercy on me.
I want to fix it. I want to sleep in peace as my husband is. I want to trust and walk in unexplainable hope and joy. But, I cannot fix it. So, I sit at the feet of Jesus and His word and I ask Him to impart greater faith to this child of his. I ask Him to help me surrender to the Holy Spirit that dwells in me as a child of God and walk in the fruit of the Spirit He has already purchased for me. I make index cards with Scripture verses to carry with me at all times to combat the fears and I listen to music that points me to who He is and who I am in Him. I am asking Him to do what I cannot. And when he does, that all would know that He is God because they would see a weak child walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I've learned and seen so much in the last week. I've seen what it is to live day-by-day and not be able to make a plan for tomorrow because I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and today has enough worry of its own. I am seeing what it is to bring one step at a time before the Lord and ask Him to do something magnificent and show us yet again that He is caring for us. I have seen that after all my longing for greater community, the community I already have around the US and the world has responded with care, with prayers, and with practical assistance. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for every person who has watched our children, brought us food, held me as I wept in the hospital, sent text messages, called, and prayed. I have seen the Lord move in this situation already in so many ways. They made a rapid diagnosis which is uncommon for people with this condition. Our work places have been supremely supportive, even allowing my husband to work from home. The chemo he needs is $11000 per month and we were just told today he has been approved to receive it for free for the first month and may be approved for the next year depending upon other factors. A friend of my husband's happens to be the son of a doctor in a cancer care center who specifically deals with cancers in the GI system. He is willing to give us a second opinion for free. All of these and many more are grace.
While I never would have chosen this, one thing I know is that my story/our story will always find us in the hands of Jesus. I am oh so very weak, and while Jesus may say to me as He said to those first disciples in the boat on the Sea of Galilee, "Why are you afraid, you of little faith?", I take rest in the fact that his strength is made perfect in my weakness and that He will sustain me/us as he sustained Elijah at the brook in the Kerith Valley.
Sweet friends, life has so many unexpected moments and seasons. Some of these seasons are filled with things I have wished for and others, things I have feared. No one knows what his/her story on this earth will look like, what challenges or unexpected blessings will come around the next bend. For someone like me who likes a concrete plan and wrestles with fear/trusting God (even though He has proven Himself time and time again!), uncertainty about the future tends to breed anxiety and fear. On my own, I gravitate to worst case scenarios and embrace despair very easily. Lord, have mercy on this broken child of yours. There is life and hope and peace for the child of God regardless of circumstances. Open my eyes to see it. Deliver me from fear.
Last week, two days before my husband's 28th birthday, he was diagnosed with Stage IV gastrointestinal stromal tumor, a rare form of sarcoma. In an instant, my usual concerns of house cleaning, finances, home schooling, activities, etc., faded into the background. Fear and anxiety overwhelmed me and my experience as a hospice nurse did not help to alleviate the fears that were taking over my heart and mind. I immediately began researching and studying and asking questions. Meanwhile, my husband was filled with joy and unexplainable peace. On that day and every day since, he has been filled with hope. He tells me he is excited for this season because the Lord is sustaining him and he believes this is such a unique season to share the gospel and the goodness of Jesus.
In the midst of his unexplainable joy and peace and hope, I have cried countless tears, been filled with doubts, and wanted to just sit in the middle of this battle and cry that it has to occur at all. I have wanted to be so much more filled with faith and yet I find myself as the man with the demon possessed son, crying out to Jesus, "I believe. Help my unbelief." My "rationalism" has been exposed for what it really is- unbelief. I have sat in numerous Bible studies and affirmed the supernatural work of the Lord parting the Red Sea, destroying Jericho's wall, and coming in the form of Jesus to be born of a virgin, cast out demons, heal the sick, and resurrect the dead, and yet I have found myself so quick to reject the supremacy of His being and cast my lot in favor of facts, statistics, and opinions of man. Lord, have mercy on me.
I want to fix it. I want to sleep in peace as my husband is. I want to trust and walk in unexplainable hope and joy. But, I cannot fix it. So, I sit at the feet of Jesus and His word and I ask Him to impart greater faith to this child of his. I ask Him to help me surrender to the Holy Spirit that dwells in me as a child of God and walk in the fruit of the Spirit He has already purchased for me. I make index cards with Scripture verses to carry with me at all times to combat the fears and I listen to music that points me to who He is and who I am in Him. I am asking Him to do what I cannot. And when he does, that all would know that He is God because they would see a weak child walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I've learned and seen so much in the last week. I've seen what it is to live day-by-day and not be able to make a plan for tomorrow because I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and today has enough worry of its own. I am seeing what it is to bring one step at a time before the Lord and ask Him to do something magnificent and show us yet again that He is caring for us. I have seen that after all my longing for greater community, the community I already have around the US and the world has responded with care, with prayers, and with practical assistance. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for every person who has watched our children, brought us food, held me as I wept in the hospital, sent text messages, called, and prayed. I have seen the Lord move in this situation already in so many ways. They made a rapid diagnosis which is uncommon for people with this condition. Our work places have been supremely supportive, even allowing my husband to work from home. The chemo he needs is $11000 per month and we were just told today he has been approved to receive it for free for the first month and may be approved for the next year depending upon other factors. A friend of my husband's happens to be the son of a doctor in a cancer care center who specifically deals with cancers in the GI system. He is willing to give us a second opinion for free. All of these and many more are grace.
While I never would have chosen this, one thing I know is that my story/our story will always find us in the hands of Jesus. I am oh so very weak, and while Jesus may say to me as He said to those first disciples in the boat on the Sea of Galilee, "Why are you afraid, you of little faith?", I take rest in the fact that his strength is made perfect in my weakness and that He will sustain me/us as he sustained Elijah at the brook in the Kerith Valley.
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