They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. [Revelation 12: 11]
Some seasons of this life are excruciating in their depth of hardship. There are days when you wake up and long to go back to bed, when the sadness and the grief and the uncertainty overwhelm you and you feel unable to even make it through the day. I have had many of these days over the past 3 weeks. (if you do not know why, check out my last blog post here: http://1thingiseek.blogspot.com/2016/07/deliver-me-from-fear.html) I have vacillated between anxiety/fear/grief/unbelief and trust/faith/hope/peace more rapidly and more frequently than I ever thought possible. I have felt so sad and hopeless and fearful that I have been utterly paralyzed. I have cried out with the agony of King David as I pray the psalms and complained along with Job as I read his embittered words. The battle for faith has been beyond anything I have ever walked through. And yet, somehow, I am thankful.
It is often in these seasons, the hardest of circumstances, in which we are able to hear and see the Lord most clearly. These last few weeks have been a wake up call. Even in my questions and my doubts, these weeks have drawn me closer to the Lord and to my dear husband, whom the Lord continues to give perfect (though certainly FOUGHT FOR) peace to.
I think we all wonder how we would respond if our world fell apart. I found out. And I know two things now- I'm so much weaker and more faithless than I ever thought, but God is closer and more loving than I ever thought.
I have been keeping a list of all of the ways I have seen God over the past three weeks in my journal (keep in mind that I have undoubtedly missed MANY things along the way) and I would like to share it with you here as a testimony and as a statement of faith in the words of scripture that we do indeed triumph over our enemy, the devil, by the blood of Jesus and the word of our testimony.
1. He has kept my husband in perfect peace since the day that he received news of the cancer. He has actually been MORE joyful consistently than I have ever known him to be. I have watched him lead worship while biopsy results were pending, lead worship yet again 2 days after receiving the results, and continue to praise God by writing songs of God's faithfulness during this time. (I'll post those at some point).
2. The brevity of life has been made known to me in a way far more personal than I ever would have chosen, but it could not have been more effective. In Ecclesiastes, we learn that we should live life with the end in mind. I have realized that despite my constant exposure to death through hospice, I have always felt like I had more time. I realized after this occurred that I had so many plans and expectations that rely on a lot more years of life on this earth and those years may or may not happen.
3. As a result of #2, we have become even more intentional about teaching and involving our children in prayer and having teaching time together as a family.
4. Charles had a friend from soccer who happened to be the son of the chief gastrointestinal surgeon at Moffitt Cancer center in Tampa. He helped us to quickly arrange an appointment with the physician in his department with the most experience in this type of cancer.
5. 13 years ago, a "miracle" drug called Gleevec was developed for GIST. (gastrointestinal stromal tumor) It is effective in 85% of GIST tumors (not in curing them but in managing them). Prior to this development, there was almost no treatment at all for GIST. This "miracle" medication, which is typically 11,000 per month was provided to us free by the pharmaceutical company.
6. Charles has now been on the Gleevec for 3 days with no side effects thus far. While we know this says little about what may develop in the future, we are thankful for what we have received thus far and we are praying against ANY and ALL side effects of this medication.
7. We have seen the love of Christ in the love of our church family, our family, and our friends, so much so that this should #7-#100 instead of just one item on the list. Many have watched our children, come to pray, dropped by on tough days, visited with us in the hospital, texted/called/emailed to check in on us, prayed for us, brought us meals, or offered to do any and all of the above. My mom came to help out for 9 days and tomorrow, my dear former FL friend is flying with her two youngens from Michigan to stay with us. We also have two friends from our former church in PA coming down to pray and just be with us for a weekend in August.
8. We have had tickets to attend a Christian worship night called Outcry Tour here in Tampa on August 11 for several months. It just so happens that the speaker at that event is a man whose daughter was born with an incurable condition and he speaks to the church about having faith to believe God for big things. We had no clue about who he was prior to a week ago.
9. One evening, I was telling a friend that I was concerned about being alone while my husband was out playing a music gig. (alone has often meant my mind being constantly plagued) As soon as I put my children to bed, I ended up talking with my sister on the phone for two hours. It was the longest and best conversation we have had in 10 years where she encouraged me in faith and trust.
10. On a day that I was very much struggling with unbelief, I started reading Hebrews 3. (this is a very strong indictment against unbelief for those of you that haven't read it!) I was still really wrestling and I went to just have some quiet time on my own. I happened to check my email beforehand and found a sermon my sister had sent to me (which she has never done- ever!) and the sermon directly talked about unbelief and Hebrews 3. I literally felt like the hair on my head was singed by the discipline of God and I could not have been more grateful.
11. While waiting for Charles' PET scan, he was talking about how much he missed talking with elderly folks and hearing the wisdom that they had through their experiences. I was having a very rough day and when his scan started, I left to go and find a garden to journal in. On my way to the garden, I saw the hospital chapel and went in. While I was in there, an elderly married couple saw me and asked if I was ok. I told them I was (in an effort to make them go away) but instead, they came over and sat next to me, prayed for me, and shared their own experiences with cancer/health issues. I could not help but see the humorous hand of God in this.
12. I met a friend a few months ago through another friend that is part of BSF with me. Her mother-in-law happens to be a two time cancer survivor who loves Jesus crazily. Since Charles was diagnosed, she has been praying for us and God had led her to certain scriptures and wisdom for us. I talked with her over the phone and she sent us a letter with the scriptures. The things that the Lord had led her to speak were so encouraging and convicting to us!
13. I met a lovely woman at my first local Trades of Hope meeting named Pat. When she heard of Charles' diagnosis, she contacted me and has not ceased to be someone to speak life and faith into the situation.
14. Charles has the first job he has ever had that has short-term/long-term disability if he needs it.
15. Our work places have been amazing. Charles' boss is allowing him to work from home right now and my boss (and many of my co-workers) have called/sent FB messages, etc.
16. If Charles had still been in Africa, none of this treatment would have been possible.
17. One morning, I was praying, asking the Lord to speak to me in a way that I could see about what He was doing in this situation. I asked him to open my eyes to see what He wanted to show me and to give me an expectation that He would speak. That day, Charles decided he wanted to go to his favorite Mongolian place for lunch. I almost choked when I saw the waitresses nametag. "Miracle"
18. Prior to the diagnosis, Charles had committed to assist with worship at different church nearby. When he got there, he realized all the songs he had chosen a month earlier were about faith and the character of God and the guest speaker who happened to be preaching that day spoke about how trusting God overcomes fear.
19. Hearing my dad say that he "never believed Jesus came down to tie people's shoes until hearing how God works in his [Charles] life", even in this situation.
There are several others that I won't mention here for the degree of explanation that they require, but suffice it to say, the Lord has neither forsaken nor abandoned us. Though the days and the facts are hard, we serve a God who is bigger than our fears and the facts of our situation. We can already see that He is drawing us to a more purposeful life and returning our primary affection to Him and His kingdom and in this, we see His redemption and His love. This is our burning bush, our call to something we are so afraid of but we know who goes before us and with us and like Moses, we are going to see His glory. Join us on the journey so you catch a glimpse of it too!
Some seasons of this life are excruciating in their depth of hardship. There are days when you wake up and long to go back to bed, when the sadness and the grief and the uncertainty overwhelm you and you feel unable to even make it through the day. I have had many of these days over the past 3 weeks. (if you do not know why, check out my last blog post here: http://1thingiseek.blogspot.com/2016/07/deliver-me-from-fear.html) I have vacillated between anxiety/fear/grief/unbelief and trust/faith/hope/peace more rapidly and more frequently than I ever thought possible. I have felt so sad and hopeless and fearful that I have been utterly paralyzed. I have cried out with the agony of King David as I pray the psalms and complained along with Job as I read his embittered words. The battle for faith has been beyond anything I have ever walked through. And yet, somehow, I am thankful.
It is often in these seasons, the hardest of circumstances, in which we are able to hear and see the Lord most clearly. These last few weeks have been a wake up call. Even in my questions and my doubts, these weeks have drawn me closer to the Lord and to my dear husband, whom the Lord continues to give perfect (though certainly FOUGHT FOR) peace to.
I think we all wonder how we would respond if our world fell apart. I found out. And I know two things now- I'm so much weaker and more faithless than I ever thought, but God is closer and more loving than I ever thought.
I have been keeping a list of all of the ways I have seen God over the past three weeks in my journal (keep in mind that I have undoubtedly missed MANY things along the way) and I would like to share it with you here as a testimony and as a statement of faith in the words of scripture that we do indeed triumph over our enemy, the devil, by the blood of Jesus and the word of our testimony.
1. He has kept my husband in perfect peace since the day that he received news of the cancer. He has actually been MORE joyful consistently than I have ever known him to be. I have watched him lead worship while biopsy results were pending, lead worship yet again 2 days after receiving the results, and continue to praise God by writing songs of God's faithfulness during this time. (I'll post those at some point).
2. The brevity of life has been made known to me in a way far more personal than I ever would have chosen, but it could not have been more effective. In Ecclesiastes, we learn that we should live life with the end in mind. I have realized that despite my constant exposure to death through hospice, I have always felt like I had more time. I realized after this occurred that I had so many plans and expectations that rely on a lot more years of life on this earth and those years may or may not happen.
3. As a result of #2, we have become even more intentional about teaching and involving our children in prayer and having teaching time together as a family.
4. Charles had a friend from soccer who happened to be the son of the chief gastrointestinal surgeon at Moffitt Cancer center in Tampa. He helped us to quickly arrange an appointment with the physician in his department with the most experience in this type of cancer.
5. 13 years ago, a "miracle" drug called Gleevec was developed for GIST. (gastrointestinal stromal tumor) It is effective in 85% of GIST tumors (not in curing them but in managing them). Prior to this development, there was almost no treatment at all for GIST. This "miracle" medication, which is typically 11,000 per month was provided to us free by the pharmaceutical company.
6. Charles has now been on the Gleevec for 3 days with no side effects thus far. While we know this says little about what may develop in the future, we are thankful for what we have received thus far and we are praying against ANY and ALL side effects of this medication.
7. We have seen the love of Christ in the love of our church family, our family, and our friends, so much so that this should #7-#100 instead of just one item on the list. Many have watched our children, come to pray, dropped by on tough days, visited with us in the hospital, texted/called/emailed to check in on us, prayed for us, brought us meals, or offered to do any and all of the above. My mom came to help out for 9 days and tomorrow, my dear former FL friend is flying with her two youngens from Michigan to stay with us. We also have two friends from our former church in PA coming down to pray and just be with us for a weekend in August.
8. We have had tickets to attend a Christian worship night called Outcry Tour here in Tampa on August 11 for several months. It just so happens that the speaker at that event is a man whose daughter was born with an incurable condition and he speaks to the church about having faith to believe God for big things. We had no clue about who he was prior to a week ago.
9. One evening, I was telling a friend that I was concerned about being alone while my husband was out playing a music gig. (alone has often meant my mind being constantly plagued) As soon as I put my children to bed, I ended up talking with my sister on the phone for two hours. It was the longest and best conversation we have had in 10 years where she encouraged me in faith and trust.
10. On a day that I was very much struggling with unbelief, I started reading Hebrews 3. (this is a very strong indictment against unbelief for those of you that haven't read it!) I was still really wrestling and I went to just have some quiet time on my own. I happened to check my email beforehand and found a sermon my sister had sent to me (which she has never done- ever!) and the sermon directly talked about unbelief and Hebrews 3. I literally felt like the hair on my head was singed by the discipline of God and I could not have been more grateful.
11. While waiting for Charles' PET scan, he was talking about how much he missed talking with elderly folks and hearing the wisdom that they had through their experiences. I was having a very rough day and when his scan started, I left to go and find a garden to journal in. On my way to the garden, I saw the hospital chapel and went in. While I was in there, an elderly married couple saw me and asked if I was ok. I told them I was (in an effort to make them go away) but instead, they came over and sat next to me, prayed for me, and shared their own experiences with cancer/health issues. I could not help but see the humorous hand of God in this.
12. I met a friend a few months ago through another friend that is part of BSF with me. Her mother-in-law happens to be a two time cancer survivor who loves Jesus crazily. Since Charles was diagnosed, she has been praying for us and God had led her to certain scriptures and wisdom for us. I talked with her over the phone and she sent us a letter with the scriptures. The things that the Lord had led her to speak were so encouraging and convicting to us!
13. I met a lovely woman at my first local Trades of Hope meeting named Pat. When she heard of Charles' diagnosis, she contacted me and has not ceased to be someone to speak life and faith into the situation.
14. Charles has the first job he has ever had that has short-term/long-term disability if he needs it.
15. Our work places have been amazing. Charles' boss is allowing him to work from home right now and my boss (and many of my co-workers) have called/sent FB messages, etc.
16. If Charles had still been in Africa, none of this treatment would have been possible.
17. One morning, I was praying, asking the Lord to speak to me in a way that I could see about what He was doing in this situation. I asked him to open my eyes to see what He wanted to show me and to give me an expectation that He would speak. That day, Charles decided he wanted to go to his favorite Mongolian place for lunch. I almost choked when I saw the waitresses nametag. "Miracle"
18. Prior to the diagnosis, Charles had committed to assist with worship at different church nearby. When he got there, he realized all the songs he had chosen a month earlier were about faith and the character of God and the guest speaker who happened to be preaching that day spoke about how trusting God overcomes fear.
19. Hearing my dad say that he "never believed Jesus came down to tie people's shoes until hearing how God works in his [Charles] life", even in this situation.
There are several others that I won't mention here for the degree of explanation that they require, but suffice it to say, the Lord has neither forsaken nor abandoned us. Though the days and the facts are hard, we serve a God who is bigger than our fears and the facts of our situation. We can already see that He is drawing us to a more purposeful life and returning our primary affection to Him and His kingdom and in this, we see His redemption and His love. This is our burning bush, our call to something we are so afraid of but we know who goes before us and with us and like Moses, we are going to see His glory. Join us on the journey so you catch a glimpse of it too!
5 comments:
Yes. Amen. Praying with you. These words are a blessing and will be to so many. thank you for sharing.
Awesome blog thanks for sharing your heart with us. Will continue to pray as God leads.
Beautifully shared! Thank you for sharing your journey and pointing us all to God! I will be praying!
Erin, you have always inspired by your walk with God. You and Charles and your girls are incredible. Love you and praying to our awesome God that he will continue to guide you in this difficult journey of faith.
Erin, I am so inspired by reading this. Inspired by the fact that, rather than wallowing in the pain this situation has brought, you are seeking God's hand, even and ESPECIALLY on the darkest of days. You are praying and then waiting on Him and looking for His answer. And you are finding His answers all around you. It makes me wonder how often I pray and then don't see the responses the Lord gives because I'm so distracted with other things. One thing I know for sure...He will never leave or forsake you or Charles. We serve a faithful God and He is holding you close. I am continuing to pray. Keep up that journal, girl...it is a strong testimony that is bringing much glory to our Lord Jesus Christ and His wonderful, miraculous power.
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