“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.” - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
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“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer." -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
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I have found such deep solace in this book by C.S. Lewis recently. He echoes so much of my heart as I grieve the loss of normal, the loss that comes with all catastrophic sickness. Reading his words somehow helps me feel less alone.
The last few days have been tough. I have been filled to the brim with questions, doubt, anger, fear, and sadness. While I know there are many things to be thankful for and many graces day-to-day for which to praise, in my heart, there is only one thing I want: A long life on this earth for my husband, my best friend, my girls' daddy, the man I respect and admire more than any other man I've ever known.
I want certainty that He is going to be healed or that He is at least going to be around for a very long time.
I want to see something that solidifies that God is doing something toward that end and not just hear words from God or His promises.
I want to stop the plaguing "this might be the last _____" thoughts that run through my mind at every turn.
I am angry that someone who loves the Lord and yearns to follow and make him known as much as my husband does has to face this at 28 years old. (The Psalms remind me I'm in good company as I wonder this!)
I find myself doubting that God is who He says He is. I wonder how the promises of the Bible can actually be true.
I'm tired of people telling me "God is in control" or that "He won't give you more than you can handle" or that "He will bring good out of this" (which I do believe deep down, but sometimes, just because something is true does not mean it is helpful). I wish that different perspectives or good theology could rescue me from this pit, but alas, every book, every personal opinion, every Bible quotation comes back empty right now.
In these days, I have found help in a book of the Bible that I have struggled with in the past- Job. I understand Job and his feelings toward God and His character more than I ever have in the past. I see how he can feel like God turning away from him would actually give him a moment's joy (Job 10:20) I appreciate the way he is honest with God, bordering on blasphemy in some instances. Despite his questions, his doubts, his sadness, and his anger, he continues a discourse with God. In the end, all of his friends could not help him. In fact, at times, they probably made things worse. Only God showing up and talking with Job Himself led to his restoration of joy and hope and humility. God showing up is what I am counting on as I battle the overwhelming emotions and questions of these recent days.
On a practical note, Charles was discharged from the hospital on Friday afternoon. The GI bleeding has stopped for now and we are now seeking a second opinion and the Lord's answer to whether a partial gastrectomy is the best solution to this issue. Please pray for wisdom for us in this decision. And if you would, pray for God to have mercy on me (and most certainly, on Charles!) and grant us a renewal of strength, faith and encouragement in this season.
_________________________________________________________________
“What we work out in our journals we don’t take out on family and friends.”
-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
_________________________________________________________________
“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer." -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
_________________________________________________________________
I have found such deep solace in this book by C.S. Lewis recently. He echoes so much of my heart as I grieve the loss of normal, the loss that comes with all catastrophic sickness. Reading his words somehow helps me feel less alone.
The last few days have been tough. I have been filled to the brim with questions, doubt, anger, fear, and sadness. While I know there are many things to be thankful for and many graces day-to-day for which to praise, in my heart, there is only one thing I want: A long life on this earth for my husband, my best friend, my girls' daddy, the man I respect and admire more than any other man I've ever known.
I want certainty that He is going to be healed or that He is at least going to be around for a very long time.
I want to see something that solidifies that God is doing something toward that end and not just hear words from God or His promises.
I want to stop the plaguing "this might be the last _____" thoughts that run through my mind at every turn.
I am angry that someone who loves the Lord and yearns to follow and make him known as much as my husband does has to face this at 28 years old. (The Psalms remind me I'm in good company as I wonder this!)
I find myself doubting that God is who He says He is. I wonder how the promises of the Bible can actually be true.
I'm tired of people telling me "God is in control" or that "He won't give you more than you can handle" or that "He will bring good out of this" (which I do believe deep down, but sometimes, just because something is true does not mean it is helpful). I wish that different perspectives or good theology could rescue me from this pit, but alas, every book, every personal opinion, every Bible quotation comes back empty right now.
In these days, I have found help in a book of the Bible that I have struggled with in the past- Job. I understand Job and his feelings toward God and His character more than I ever have in the past. I see how he can feel like God turning away from him would actually give him a moment's joy (Job 10:20) I appreciate the way he is honest with God, bordering on blasphemy in some instances. Despite his questions, his doubts, his sadness, and his anger, he continues a discourse with God. In the end, all of his friends could not help him. In fact, at times, they probably made things worse. Only God showing up and talking with Job Himself led to his restoration of joy and hope and humility. God showing up is what I am counting on as I battle the overwhelming emotions and questions of these recent days.
On a practical note, Charles was discharged from the hospital on Friday afternoon. The GI bleeding has stopped for now and we are now seeking a second opinion and the Lord's answer to whether a partial gastrectomy is the best solution to this issue. Please pray for wisdom for us in this decision. And if you would, pray for God to have mercy on me (and most certainly, on Charles!) and grant us a renewal of strength, faith and encouragement in this season.
_________________________________________________________________
“What we work out in our journals we don’t take out on family and friends.”
-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
2 comments:
I love you more than anything. I am saddened by your grief. I hurt even more than the effect of the disease as I see you struggle with pain and grief. I pray for you with all my heart. I will not promise that we will get through this, but I can promise you that I will fight till the very last ounce of blood in my veins to grow old with you. You just stay true, honest, and bold as you already are. I LOVE IT and I LOVE YOU! I could not have wished for a better friend through this season.
So much love being sent your way...so many prayers. I love you both!
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