Since July 12, we have been waiting... waiting for a diagnosis... waiting for calls back from doctors... waiting on God in prayer... waiting for blood counts and medical opinions.... waiting for scans. So much waiting. My primary conclusion on waiting: It stinks.
To be honest, I really haven't been sure how to update you. We are waiting. While we have a medical diagnosis, there is still uncertainty about mutation type, current treatment, and best treatment options in the future. More importantly, we (and many of our dear brothers and sisters) feel that the curtain has been lifted to allow us to see beyond the physical realm of the cancer into the spiritual realm where much more is going on than meets the eye. On that front, we await guidance and the unveiling of that which is unseen.
In the midst of all this waiting, I have been contemplating the concept and construct of stories. When we tell stories or watch stories on TV, the majority of the actual story is removed. We highlight the important and dramatic portions, the ones that keep readers/watchers engaged and on the edge of their seats. In real life, however, most of life is the day-by-day plodding forward. It doesn't feel all that important or notable. And yet, in God's paradoxical wisdom, maybe it is actually the most important.
While I continue my trek to see grace and speak gratitude, I also want to be transparent and say that these last few weeks have been hard. I've learned much about grief and how to care better for grieving people. (I'm sorry to so many of you for whom I've just utterly missed the boat!) I have realized how many things we say (and I have said) to grieving people that make the burden heavier to bear rather than lighter. I've cried out to God in anger. I have delved into book after book and verse after verse in a frantic search for truth about God's character. I have believed so many lies from the enemy. I have doubted God's existence and the truth of the Bible. I have cried countless tears and preferred to be alone or with my family rather than face the exhaustion of interactions. My house has been a disaster and honestly, I have barely cared. I have wanted to rejoice with friends our age who are expanding their families, planning fun family vacations, buying homes, etc, but I have struggled to hold back tears over the new "normal" that has attached itself to our lives.
Nevertheless, I have seen grace. I have heard His voice. I have seen that He is fighting for me, for us. And even as I cry and scream and acknowledge my own confusion and fledgling faith, I will praise His name. Just as the song that has been Charles' new anthem states (listen below), He doesn't have to show up, but He always does. And when He does, it changes everything.
43. A dear sister in the Lord visited us for a Sunday, joined us at our church fellowship, and spent the day sharing her story and encouraging us to believe who the Lord is and what He promises us.
44. A sweet friend/neighbor surprised us at our front door with homemade cookies and bars- on HER birthday.
45. Text message videos of friends around the country praying for us.
46. Witnessing the salvation and baptism of my neighbor and one of my dearest friends, Anabel. I have never been more honored to be present for something in my whole life!
47. Confirmations of the Lord's words to us through Scripture, sermons, people, and prayer.
48. Loads of opportunities to get back to work with Trades of Hope and focus some of my attention on others who know far more suffering than I do!
49. A card from a treasured college friend that I have not spoken to in ages. Thank you, Jen. Truly.
50. Friends that continue to watch our children during doctor's appts.
51. A package that arrived from our church in Fargo, ND, complete with fun goodies for the kids, cards, and a gift card. We love you, Sojourn family!
52. Starting a neighborhood Bible study and the joy of sharing His goodness with others! You ladies are such a blessing to me!
53. Spontaneous gifts like dress up clothes for the girls, cake, and fruit brought to my house from my sweet friend Kate.
54. Belonging to an amazing health sharing group that will be sharing Charles' entire hospital bill this month. The Lord truly does provide for His people!
55. The grace Charles' work continues to give him to work mostly from home during this season.
56. Despite constantly being at activities and out and about, the girls and I have managed to be sickness free thus far this fall (and, as a result, so has Charles!)
I will add more to my gratitude list in the near future, but for now, I'm going to head to bed. A huge thank you to those of you who are praying in faith for the Lord to move! Please keep it up!
To be honest, I really haven't been sure how to update you. We are waiting. While we have a medical diagnosis, there is still uncertainty about mutation type, current treatment, and best treatment options in the future. More importantly, we (and many of our dear brothers and sisters) feel that the curtain has been lifted to allow us to see beyond the physical realm of the cancer into the spiritual realm where much more is going on than meets the eye. On that front, we await guidance and the unveiling of that which is unseen.
In the midst of all this waiting, I have been contemplating the concept and construct of stories. When we tell stories or watch stories on TV, the majority of the actual story is removed. We highlight the important and dramatic portions, the ones that keep readers/watchers engaged and on the edge of their seats. In real life, however, most of life is the day-by-day plodding forward. It doesn't feel all that important or notable. And yet, in God's paradoxical wisdom, maybe it is actually the most important.
While I continue my trek to see grace and speak gratitude, I also want to be transparent and say that these last few weeks have been hard. I've learned much about grief and how to care better for grieving people. (I'm sorry to so many of you for whom I've just utterly missed the boat!) I have realized how many things we say (and I have said) to grieving people that make the burden heavier to bear rather than lighter. I've cried out to God in anger. I have delved into book after book and verse after verse in a frantic search for truth about God's character. I have believed so many lies from the enemy. I have doubted God's existence and the truth of the Bible. I have cried countless tears and preferred to be alone or with my family rather than face the exhaustion of interactions. My house has been a disaster and honestly, I have barely cared. I have wanted to rejoice with friends our age who are expanding their families, planning fun family vacations, buying homes, etc, but I have struggled to hold back tears over the new "normal" that has attached itself to our lives.
Nevertheless, I have seen grace. I have heard His voice. I have seen that He is fighting for me, for us. And even as I cry and scream and acknowledge my own confusion and fledgling faith, I will praise His name. Just as the song that has been Charles' new anthem states (listen below), He doesn't have to show up, but He always does. And when He does, it changes everything.
43. A dear sister in the Lord visited us for a Sunday, joined us at our church fellowship, and spent the day sharing her story and encouraging us to believe who the Lord is and what He promises us.
44. A sweet friend/neighbor surprised us at our front door with homemade cookies and bars- on HER birthday.
45. Text message videos of friends around the country praying for us.
46. Witnessing the salvation and baptism of my neighbor and one of my dearest friends, Anabel. I have never been more honored to be present for something in my whole life!
47. Confirmations of the Lord's words to us through Scripture, sermons, people, and prayer.
48. Loads of opportunities to get back to work with Trades of Hope and focus some of my attention on others who know far more suffering than I do!
49. A card from a treasured college friend that I have not spoken to in ages. Thank you, Jen. Truly.
50. Friends that continue to watch our children during doctor's appts.
51. A package that arrived from our church in Fargo, ND, complete with fun goodies for the kids, cards, and a gift card. We love you, Sojourn family!
52. Starting a neighborhood Bible study and the joy of sharing His goodness with others! You ladies are such a blessing to me!
53. Spontaneous gifts like dress up clothes for the girls, cake, and fruit brought to my house from my sweet friend Kate.
54. Belonging to an amazing health sharing group that will be sharing Charles' entire hospital bill this month. The Lord truly does provide for His people!
55. The grace Charles' work continues to give him to work mostly from home during this season.
56. Despite constantly being at activities and out and about, the girls and I have managed to be sickness free thus far this fall (and, as a result, so has Charles!)
I will add more to my gratitude list in the near future, but for now, I'm going to head to bed. A huge thank you to those of you who are praying in faith for the Lord to move! Please keep it up!
1 comment:
Im so thankful to have met you guys, I have learned so much with u and this season in your lives,thanks for your courage and faith even when you feel down, to see the way Charles praise the Lord in the midst of this season with an unbelieveable grace has take me to another spiritual level,so thank you both so much for been giving instead receveing.
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